Plus, a book recommendation and The Antidote #23: the wonders of metformin, the language of war as health metaphor, and chronic illness joy and laughter
Amy, your death doc idea is something my mother has been telling me to do for years. I do (finally) have a will, health directive etc, but I agree that I also need to make sure someone knows all the practical stuff too. And, it makes me realize that I need to bug a good friend to do it too. I’ve agreed to be his executor so I am going to need a list of all his accounts, passwords etc. Thanks for bringing this up!
Pa and I have been working on our will for several weeks. It has been particularly challenging as we are a “blended” family which is where the drama starts. I think that working on some practical issues,as you suggest, might be a better place to start rather than concentrating on who gets what! Btw, you are getting most of it🤑
P.S. we are “blended” in our own way, as whatever we leave has to be split among many siblings and nieces/nephews, and I have a lot more of both than Baldy does. Do I eventually want half of everything to end up with his one nephew, rather than split more equitably across all the nieces/nephews? It’s so complicated.
Thanks for bringing this up! As I approach 65 and still struggle with Long COVID I’m really mindful of the stress and ….not really confusion but lack of knowledge my kids will have to go through to settle my estate. I keep a fire-proof box with all the banking etc info, passwords….. so they can get at it all ASAP. You’ve done a really important thing in reminding us. I really appreciate your postings, it clarifies and validates my experience.
Thank you for reading and for this comment, Sharon. I do think most people are like me and you - they don’t want to leave their loved ones guessing. I hope your kids have the code or the keys to the fire-proof box? (I say this humbly as a fellow long hauler with the type of brain fog where the obvious sometimes needs to be pointed out to me).
Amy, thank you for this — another super interesting and informative edition! I'm a big fan of Alain de Botton; his books "Art of Travel," "Religion for Atheists" and "A Job to Love" (by the School of Life) are terrific. I haven't read "A Therapeutic Journey," but I looked it up and the paperback is coming out in October, so I pre-ordered it. Looking forward to reading! Thanks for the recommendation. Also, I have been meaning to make a "Death Doc" for ages. Your nudge might be the only that finally sticks.
Thank you for listing out other de Botton titles here, because I forgot to write those down when we met up today. And others may want to know these titles too.
I just had a flashback - I believe I did read The Art of Travel! I’m going to look it up now to jog my memory further.
Oh, I just remembered that my Passwords section of the death doc has the master password for my password app, where my husband can find the passwords to my social media accounts. Phew!
Great additions - thanks Holly! I’ve been trying to do some Swedish death cleaning, but so far it’s mostly been going through photos and pawning them off on different friends and family. I like the social media suggestion, too.
What does a recovering probate attorney do once they’ve recovered, if you feel like saying?
This is the book you were telling me about I think??? It looks like gentle therapy in book form 😍
I think about death a lot, so this is wonderful practical advice for caring for the loved ones that survive you.
The young man that died after running the marathon was a close friend of someone I know from high school. His social posts leading up to the event are heartbreaking in light of his death mostly because it highlights how easy it is to ignore your own warning signs, which I know we have alll done in the name of something. 🖤
Ugh, you are so right. We all need to have death docs but knowing me I’m going to Scarlett O’Hara it and tell myself, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” 😬
Thanks for giving me this swift poke in my ribs. Needed it. ❤️🔥
Also I really appreciated this post. I think I’m gonna start a death doc too. Though my partner already teases me for my very elaborate & convoluted way of creating and keeping track of my passwords so at least I know that he knows that part already 🤭
I’m with you! Though in my Middle Ages, and hopefully living for many more decades, I bought a book that prompts for all of the info to fill in-from passwords to what music to play at my funeral (that part was quite enjoyable!)- that my family would need. It feels good to have that sorted for now, easy to update.
Thank you for mentioning both mask bans (I hear Texas has plans to enact one as well) and that appalling Austrian case. Worth noting that when she was convicted - the judge suspended her sentence and expressed sympathy she got caught because “I’m sure lots of other people are doing the same thing.” Talk about sending the wrong message! Seems we should feel sorry for the high risk neighbour who died - but we’re truly in the upside down.
In terms of death - I lost my Mom at a young age as well so this is something I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about. I’ve got a robust advance directive that states what measures I want (and don’t want) because I do not want to languish for years on machines in a nursing home. I’ve written my own eulogy and tasked a trusted friend with publishing it when I go. I’ve written letters to my nieces and nephew and various loved ones that I hope will provide some peace.
Those are just a few of the things I did in addition to your wonderful and practical advice of taking care of finances and logistics. I think we’re too hesitant to think about death - and with a bit of preparation it can be a much easier transition for those we leave behind.
I very much agree about the misguided judge comforting the convicted. It reminded me of the judge in the case of the Stanford swimmer-rapist who ruled that a longer sentence (than three months 🙄) would ruin the young man’s reputation. So twisted.
Ahh, thanks for mentioning the important stuff like advanced directives and notes to family. I skipped over all that in my brain because all of that is located in our safe, which is covered under the “passwords/combinations” heading. But I realize now that I could have spelled that out more clearly in the post. COVID brain strikes again!
Covid (and chronic illness) brain is no joke! I had forgotten about the Stanford swimmer - now I’m enraged all over again. As if his victim’s life wasn’t forever altered.
Amy, was moved by Pressure to Heal. In my life it relates to grief. Pressure to be normal, get over the hurt and confusion. Grief is normal, a part of life, no matter how crazy we feel. Thanks for all you share with us.
Interesting take on Dan’s video, Robin - I hadn’t thought about it with respect to grief. You’re right - there is a lot of pressure to move on after a loss. Thank you for being here and for your comment.
Great variety of information. I appreciate you gathering so much info in one place. (I also appreciate not including gifs... unexpected movement can be a challenge.)
Amy, your death doc idea is something my mother has been telling me to do for years. I do (finally) have a will, health directive etc, but I agree that I also need to make sure someone knows all the practical stuff too. And, it makes me realize that I need to bug a good friend to do it too. I’ve agreed to be his executor so I am going to need a list of all his accounts, passwords etc. Thanks for bringing this up!
You’re welcome! Glad it serves as a helpful nudge. Hopefully your friend gets on it too!
Pa and I have been working on our will for several weeks. It has been particularly challenging as we are a “blended” family which is where the drama starts. I think that working on some practical issues,as you suggest, might be a better place to start rather than concentrating on who gets what! Btw, you are getting most of it🤑
P.S. we are “blended” in our own way, as whatever we leave has to be split among many siblings and nieces/nephews, and I have a lot more of both than Baldy does. Do I eventually want half of everything to end up with his one nephew, rather than split more equitably across all the nieces/nephews? It’s so complicated.
That’s so much easier! 😎😘
Thanks for bringing this up! As I approach 65 and still struggle with Long COVID I’m really mindful of the stress and ….not really confusion but lack of knowledge my kids will have to go through to settle my estate. I keep a fire-proof box with all the banking etc info, passwords….. so they can get at it all ASAP. You’ve done a really important thing in reminding us. I really appreciate your postings, it clarifies and validates my experience.
Thank you for reading and for this comment, Sharon. I do think most people are like me and you - they don’t want to leave their loved ones guessing. I hope your kids have the code or the keys to the fire-proof box? (I say this humbly as a fellow long hauler with the type of brain fog where the obvious sometimes needs to be pointed out to me).
Amy, thank you for this — another super interesting and informative edition! I'm a big fan of Alain de Botton; his books "Art of Travel," "Religion for Atheists" and "A Job to Love" (by the School of Life) are terrific. I haven't read "A Therapeutic Journey," but I looked it up and the paperback is coming out in October, so I pre-ordered it. Looking forward to reading! Thanks for the recommendation. Also, I have been meaning to make a "Death Doc" for ages. Your nudge might be the only that finally sticks.
p.s. I guessed Robert Frost. But it was Emily!
That’s a strong guess though!
Thank you for listing out other de Botton titles here, because I forgot to write those down when we met up today. And others may want to know these titles too.
I just had a flashback - I believe I did read The Art of Travel! I’m going to look it up now to jog my memory further.
For your death doc (from a recovering probate attorney):
Swedish death cleaning (nothing sucks worse than losing a loved one and then having to clean their attic of abandoned shit)
Contact info for important individuals
Social media account access, maybe
Double-check the probate laws in your state (every state has a civil legal aid organization that should have important details online for DIY probate)
Oh, I just remembered that my Passwords section of the death doc has the master password for my password app, where my husband can find the passwords to my social media accounts. Phew!
Great additions - thanks Holly! I’ve been trying to do some Swedish death cleaning, but so far it’s mostly been going through photos and pawning them off on different friends and family. I like the social media suggestion, too.
What does a recovering probate attorney do once they’ve recovered, if you feel like saying?
As a recovering attorney, I stay as far away from the “legal” system as I can. Creating distance is a nice perk of being a crip. 😆
Amen to that! I just told someone something similar today about the career I’m never going back to 🙃
Carrot the Garden Gnome 😭
This is the book you were telling me about I think??? It looks like gentle therapy in book form 😍
I think about death a lot, so this is wonderful practical advice for caring for the loved ones that survive you.
The young man that died after running the marathon was a close friend of someone I know from high school. His social posts leading up to the event are heartbreaking in light of his death mostly because it highlights how easy it is to ignore your own warning signs, which I know we have alll done in the name of something. 🖤
That was so tragic. Also, it really drives home the messages that are drilled into our heads about pushing through to achieve a goal. Terrible.
And yes! That is indeed the book I was telling you about. Good stuff! Maybe after spooky season for you 😄
Ugh, you are so right. We all need to have death docs but knowing me I’m going to Scarlett O’Hara it and tell myself, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” 😬
Thanks for giving me this swift poke in my ribs. Needed it. ❤️🔥
Also F*CK those mask bans.
As always, such a stellar link round up. 💥
happy to poke 😁…thank you for being here and for being so kind always 💛
EMILY DICKINSON!
Also I really appreciated this post. I think I’m gonna start a death doc too. Though my partner already teases me for my very elaborate & convoluted way of creating and keeping track of my passwords so at least I know that he knows that part already 🤭
Ha! We do what makes sense to our brains, right?
I’m with you! Though in my Middle Ages, and hopefully living for many more decades, I bought a book that prompts for all of the info to fill in-from passwords to what music to play at my funeral (that part was quite enjoyable!)- that my family would need. It feels good to have that sorted for now, easy to update.
Ooh, that book sounds great! Title please! 🙏🏻
It’s called Legacero (fancy!) end of life planner for seniors 📖
Very cool! I think I’ll do a part 2 to the Death doc info and include everything that’s been suggested in the comments. Thanks!
Thank you for mentioning both mask bans (I hear Texas has plans to enact one as well) and that appalling Austrian case. Worth noting that when she was convicted - the judge suspended her sentence and expressed sympathy she got caught because “I’m sure lots of other people are doing the same thing.” Talk about sending the wrong message! Seems we should feel sorry for the high risk neighbour who died - but we’re truly in the upside down.
In terms of death - I lost my Mom at a young age as well so this is something I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about. I’ve got a robust advance directive that states what measures I want (and don’t want) because I do not want to languish for years on machines in a nursing home. I’ve written my own eulogy and tasked a trusted friend with publishing it when I go. I’ve written letters to my nieces and nephew and various loved ones that I hope will provide some peace.
Those are just a few of the things I did in addition to your wonderful and practical advice of taking care of finances and logistics. I think we’re too hesitant to think about death - and with a bit of preparation it can be a much easier transition for those we leave behind.
I very much agree about the misguided judge comforting the convicted. It reminded me of the judge in the case of the Stanford swimmer-rapist who ruled that a longer sentence (than three months 🙄) would ruin the young man’s reputation. So twisted.
Ahh, thanks for mentioning the important stuff like advanced directives and notes to family. I skipped over all that in my brain because all of that is located in our safe, which is covered under the “passwords/combinations” heading. But I realize now that I could have spelled that out more clearly in the post. COVID brain strikes again!
Covid (and chronic illness) brain is no joke! I had forgotten about the Stanford swimmer - now I’m enraged all over again. As if his victim’s life wasn’t forever altered.
Have you read her book? It was excellent. Chanel Miller is her name.
No! I didn’t even know she had written one. Thank you for the suggestion!
It’s very emotionally hard to read in places, but super powerful and beautifully written.
Amy, was moved by Pressure to Heal. In my life it relates to grief. Pressure to be normal, get over the hurt and confusion. Grief is normal, a part of life, no matter how crazy we feel. Thanks for all you share with us.
Interesting take on Dan’s video, Robin - I hadn’t thought about it with respect to grief. You’re right - there is a lot of pressure to move on after a loss. Thank you for being here and for your comment.
Great post Amy. Thanks for the shoutout!
Thank you, Mardi!
The Bustle in a House
The Morning after Death
Is solemnest of Kumquat-Busters
Enacted upon Earth –
I wish I was this creative!
Thank you for including my Function Capacity article. 😀
It was so helpful, Colleen - thank you.
Thanks, I've added A therapeutic journey to my wishlist! Sounds excellent.
Can’t wait to hear what you think!
Great variety of information. I appreciate you gathering so much info in one place. (I also appreciate not including gifs... unexpected movement can be a challenge.)
Thanks for that feedback, Colleen. I will banish GIFs for good.
Boredom? I never get bored (really). I just sit in a chair in my brain fog and stare vacantly!
Smashmouth said it best for those of you who get bored:
"The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The waters getting warm so you might as well swim
My world's on fire how about yours?
That's the way I like it and I never get bored!"
Ha! Well, the world’s definitely on fire 😆
So it is! And we're not getting younger!
"Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb!"
Now it’s stuck in my head!
Good! My work here is done,!