I did a wacky, suspend-disbelief thing

It was so unlike me and really odd but also I don't regret it

Greetings, friends.

This week, I’ll be telling you all about this very out of character thing I did and it should be a lot of fun. But before we get to that, let’s do our wish list shout-outs. Many thanks to Jodie F. for so generously supporting The Tonic by helping me meet some of my day-to-day needs.

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Now onto this week’s post. I hope you enjoy.

The backstory

Probably a good number of you with either long COVID or ME/CFS have heard of Raelan Agle, a wonderful soul who healed from her 10-year ordeal with ME/CFS and vowed to go on to help others do the same. She mainly does this through her YouTube channel, sharing her own story of illness and healing as well as dozens of interviews with folks who have recovered from ME/CFS and now long COVID. Recently, she’s been doing other types of videos, and you may recall that I included her courageous video raising awareness about vaccine-injured long haulers in last week’s roundup post, The Antidote #2.

I have become a big fan of hers and I watch her videos several times a week to maintain hope as part of my own recovery plan. For this reason, I decided to become a channel member for the ridiculously worth-it price of $3/month.

One of the first members-only posts I received after I joined was a resource she was passing along to anyone interested: a link to sign up for this thing called Remote Coherence Healing Meditation, where groups of meditators from around the world join you on a Zoom and send healing energy your way.

image: Divinity Magazine

At first I thought, “huh…interesting.” I’ve definitely been doing a ton more meditating than I did in the before times. What could be so wrong with doing it online with a group of others who are sending you good juju through the ether?

So I thanked Raelan for the resource and clicked through the link, which took me to Dr. Joe Dispenza’s website. I had never heard of him until then, but the site looked a little kooky. One might even say…WEIRD.

I saw that there were several groups around the world, grouped by continents/hemispheres, that were “authorized” by Dr. Joe to do these remote coherence healing sessions. But the whole new agey, woo woo aspect of it touched that skeptical, question-everything nerve of mine, and I closed the browser and promptly forgot all about it.

Fast forward about a month. I’ve been getting more and more into the neuroplasticity aspect of recovery and somewhere in my travels, I heard about the documentary Heal on Amazon Prime. It’s about the science behind how our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions have a big impact on our health and our ability to heal. It was fascinating and admittedly pretty uplifting, and I definitely recommend checking it out.

Joe Dispenza was one of the people interviewed for the film and, after having perused his website, I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t find him to be batshit crazy; what he said made sense to me (I can’t quite recall the specifics now; check out the film and let me know what you think). Seeing him on screen jogged my memory and stoked my curiosity, so I went back to Raelan’s post and decided to sign up for one of these remote healing sessions.

I clicked on this link (Authorized Coherence Groups) and chose a group called Healed by the Future. These students of Dr. Joe’s are all age 26 and under. The idea that they were using that special time in their early 20s, when the world is your oyster and you still want to learn all the things, to become healers of people older than them felt really inspiring to me. They are, after all, our future, and the thought of being healed by them felt full of intergenerational promise.

They had literally one time slot open within the next few months and I grabbed it - an evening appointment in early November. When you sign up, you are asked to submit a photo of yourself and one sentence about what you hope to get from this healing session. Soon after hitting submit, I received an email with a Zoom link, with nothing more than a little note that said that all coherence healing sessions are free and they do not accept donations.

I was reminded of this deliciously non-sensical commercial for some brain supplement from the early aughts that Baldy and I quote anytime the other person says the word “free”:

Since the coherence session was free, it had to be good. I was cautiously optimistic.

Why this whole thing was so out of character for me

Many of you do not yet know that I am a flaming atheist. The idea of god has never made much sense to me. I do not think there is a master planner in the sky (or anywhere else) pulling the strings of my life, your life, the Oscars, the Super Bowl, or any other world event. If they (my fake god gets to be gender neutral) could swing the trajectory of an award-winning singer’s career, why can’t they stop a tsunami? Cure a child’s cancer? Stop the spread of COVID-19 and the co-occurring Pandemic, Part Two™️ that is long COVID?

It just never fell into place for me. This meme (the very first one I ever saved on my phone) sums up my problems with the god idea.

Before you potentially get your holy book in a ruffle and hit unsubscribe, please know that this is not a commentary on anyone else’s choices but my own (though you are obviously always free to hit unsubscribe - no hard feelings, and I won’t actually know, since I turned that function off).

I know that for millennia, religion has served as a source of comfort, as a way of coping, as a guiding force in people’s lives. It filled in the gaps of what civilizations far and wide considered unanswerable questions about the beginnings of life, its ultimate meaning, about right and wrong. I have just personally never felt the need for its presence in my life.

Answers, year on year, have come. And if they haven’t, it’s not my belief that they are never coming and something else should slide in to take their place. This ‘something else’ is invariably written by fallible dudes thousands of years ago, with at best questionable moral lessons, and at worst, a shit ton of smiting and killing and edicts to worship no one but your one god, even though your neighbor’s god book also says the same thing but has a different cover.

I once had a bumper sticker that said:

Religion is not a prerequisite for morality

My feeling was that no one had had to force-feed me the idea of being kind and decent to my fellow humans, and I resented the default idea that one needed religion in order to do so. Not to mention all of the abuses, corruption, greed, and destruction that has been happening since forever in the name of a god or of religion.

SO…how did a dyed-in-the-wool heathen like me suspend disbelief long enough to sign up for something that seemed pseudo-religious or in some way hinged on faith?

I don’t have a great answer for you on that. It turns out I’m also a fallible dude. How this translates is that whenever people have asked, knowing that I’m an atheist, if they could pray for me (for my recovery, not to save my soul or anything - though they might have, and I’d be none the wiser), I’ve thanked them and said, “sure - it can’t hurt. And heck, I could be wrong about all this.” See? Fallible dude, at your service.

The other reason I signed up:

sick people who are sick of being sick will try just about anything to become un-sick

And why shouldn’t we? The mind is a powerful tool; it believes what you tell it. If you sit and conjure up the image of sucking on a lemon wedge, you will start to salivate. But where’s the lemon? In your mind. So replace the lemon with, “dozens of young people are sending healing energy to my body,” and just maybe I’ll start to salivate heal. Maybe I’ll start to heal.

Just before the session

Before I joined the Zoom, I went to Dr. Joe’s website to remind myself what I was about to do, since I had signed up for it over a month before the date. First, a definition, taken from his site:

Coherence healing: “When a group of people come together with the intention of healing another – and they know how to get beyond themselves, connect to the quantum field, open their hearts, and demonstrate brain and heart coherence – we now know they can heal one another.”

Get beyond themselves? Quantum field? Brain and heart coherence? I found this definition only left me with more questions.

I had recently read the book The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, MD - he also appears in the Heal documentary. Lipton also seemed super excited about the idea that quantum physics means that we can literally change the electrical charge (and thus, energy field) of anything we put our minds to. I have only a vague idea of what he speaks, since I dropped high school physics like it was our Dyson vacuum cleaner (which Baldy has had to bungee-cord and duct-tape back together - sorry, honay 🫣).

Also from Dr. Joe’s site:

How Does Coherence Healing Work? When it comes to the debate of matter versus energy, a common misconception is the belief that matter emits a field of energy. However, contemporary research shows the contrary. It is not matter that emits a field of energy – but rather, there is an invisible field of energy that creates matter. It makes sense, then, if you could change the field, you could change matter. This is the principle on which countless people in our community have healed themselves.

Still a bit perplexing. When you click on the area of the website that discusses the research around Dr. Joe’s work, you can read about a study he did, in conjunction with a university in California, where they placed three different containers of bottled water in the center of the room at one of his retreats. The healer-trainees sat all around these bottles and worked on sending the water their energy. When the scientists from the university tested the waters afterwards, the energy fields (electrons? not sure) in the water had in fact changed. I may be fuzzy on some of the details, but I did find this pretty fascinating.

The session

I clicked on the Zoom link and was greeted by this screen:

I sank deeper into my couch with a blanket and my noise cancelling headphones on, already feeling soothed by the warm welcome I had received here. Birdie got curious too.

Within a few minutes, a lovely young man named Zach came on camera. He was seemingly in his early-mid 20s, with dark hair and a kind face. He was in a bedroom, maybe his, with a closet rack of clothes in the distance. He explained to me how the session would go. At first, there would be a recorded meditation by Dr. Joe that was intended for me and two other “healees” (as we were known). This was the first I was hearing that there’d be others like me seeking healing in this session; at first, I was disappointed by this, having believed this was my special session alone, but I quickly got over it and thought, “why not?”

Zach said I didn’t have to turn my camera on, but he did ask me if I had any questions. I unmuted to thank him for explaining everything and I told him I was going to stay open-minded and in a state to receive what was coming. He was very pleased by that and he thanked me. Then he told me to close my eyes and relax during the first recording.

Ethereal/heavenly music began to play and Dr. Joe’s voice came on. He sounded like what they make god sound like in the movies, with a booming voice and lots of reverb. He dramatically explained what the students would be doing, that they’d be trying to understand my energy and that they are practiced at sending their loving intentions locally to a targeted person. “Elevated heartfelt emotion that transcends space and time,” he said, still in his god voice. By this point, I was beginning to feel like I should have trusted my doubting self. This was grandiose and weird, although it was still warmly delivered, so I tried to suspend judgement. (I did, however, think, “this is going to make for a great Substack post!” and I immediately opened my Notes app to capture what was happening 🤭).

“You will be the object of their affection,” he said, referring to the students. “Make yourself comfortable, lay down, close your eyes. There is nothing for you to actually do, but a few things will help you: check in with your heart and see if you feel gratitude for this experience, in a state of receivership.” (I was honestly starting to get lulled by fake god and his angelic background vocalists, so ✅).

“Make sure your body is in an emotional state to receive energy. If you return to the same state after the session, you’ll miss the mark, and reactivate disease.” (Huh…that seemed overly dramatic, and the hairs started standing up on my arms, triggered by my knowledge of cult-leader manipulation tactics. The only thing keeping me around was that I knew this was a one-off event and I would not, in fact, be recruited for this cult).

“Ask yourself, if you were fully healed, how would you live your life? Be ready to change something about yourself.” (I hope you’re still hearing this in your head with reverb, because it continued to be god-cheese).

“You’ll one day say to yourself, I remember the moment I made up my mind to change.”

“Give your body a taste of the future. Open up to possibility. Enjoy your experience.” (fake god stops talking and ethereal music fades out).

Just like that, the Zoom screen changed and there were people! Lots of smiling young people. I counted 18 of them at one point. My heart was warmed; THEY are why I joined this call. Here they are.

Zach came back on and told them all that there were three healees for this session: me and two other women. Zach showed them all my picture and my stated healing wish for the future. They were supposed to look at my face in the picture and pick up on my energy so they could send me love and healing thoughts. Here they are, checking me out.

It’s a strange feeling, sitting off-camera on a Zoom watching strangers peer into your eyes in a picture. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be feeling, but I felt oddly…exposed. Vulnerable. A little unsettled. But also, special? I don’t know. I was trying to be in touch with the feelings as they were happening, but I was also hell-bent on taking ALL the notes on this experience.

Zach put up the other two women’s pictures for a few minutes each so the healers could presumably make them feel as (____) as I did. He then explained to the three healees that there would be another recorded Dr. Joe meditation, and then they would show each of our pictures again while they played additional Dr. Joe recordings.

Huh? I thought I’d get to see or hear the young people for the bulk of this session, not recordings from fake god. But what was I going to do? I went with it, because again, FREE = GOOD, right?

On came another recording of a “meditation” by Dr. Joe. More chanty/churchy voices singing in background. He once again sounded overly dramatic, gimmicky. He was still addressing me, the healee, but his tone got kind of stern; it didn’t match the words (and it certainly didn’t feel like a meditation).

“BREATHE into your heart!” “FEEL LIFE in your heart!” My culty spidey sense was coming back. “Feel IT! That’s ENERGY! FEEL IT! WITHIN YOU! And all around you. Tune IN to the force of life. FEEL IT.”

I was simultaneously freaked the fuck out, trying to feel the thing he was yelling at me to feel, and feverishly typing notes on what he was barking.

His voice and the music faded out again. My picture and quote came back on the screen. Zach’s voice came through, and he simply says, “Amy, this love is for you.”

Another Dr. Joe recording started playing. More creepy god-voice, more haunting church chanting and organ-playing. I thought I was being barked at AGAIN, but then I remembered that Zach told me in the beginning that this message would be specifically for the healers. I’m glad I remembered that, because it was even stranger than the first two recordings:

Dr. Joe: “hey! Whaddya got? Whaddya bringing? You gotta get big. FEEL IT! EXPERIENCE IT! BECOME IT! BECOME UNLIMITED!” “Be in LOVE with LIFE!” “FEEL IT!” “TUNE IN! TO THE POWER OF LOVE!” “AWARE OF NOTHING, BUT THE FREQUENCY THAT HEALS!” (Hallelujah…amen chants in background). “Change the fear, you change MATTER.”

This went on for about 6-7 minutes. Apparently, the goal was to psych the students up to do their healing thang. Like a Zoom pep rally, but in an oddly mismatched, angry tone. I felt like I was watching the video for Bohemian Rhapsody, the “Bis-mill-ah! NOOOO! We will not let you go (let him go!)” part.

I was aware of the fact that this was my part of the session and felt I should be working harder to soak in whatever energy was being sent my way. But I honestly felt so disconnected from the young people because I couldn’t see them. So I just laid there, taking notes, chuckling a little here and there, and generally sinking into my couch further.

Then my part was done, and another woman’s picture went up. Zach: “Liz, this love is for you.” Dr. Joe again. Softer music this time, but same weird god-creep, pep rally stuff. Zach: “Patricia, this love is for you.” Repeat.

(BTW, I don’t think Liz or Patricia were actually on the Zoom. I checked the participant list and there was no one with any iteration of their names on it. That made me feel bad for the students, who gave up an hour and a half of their day/evening. Plus, does it even WORK if the people who signed up don’t show up? Is the healing energy somehow facilitated by Zoom or is it sent through airwaves? If Zoom isn’t necessary for sending this energy, why even do these? Why not just say, “Liz, Thursday night is your night - our healers will be sending you energy at 6:30, so relax at home and be ready to receive it.” So many questions left unanswered…).

When the healee times were done, peaceful female chanting and flute playing came on. This was on the screen (btw, my name being the only one to the right also made me think Liz and Patricia cut class).

After a few minutes of this, a few messages popped up in the chat. They were from the student healers, saying, “thank you 🧡” in rapid-fire succession. And then quite abruptly, the Zoom just ended. The session was scheduled to go from 6:40-8:10pm; the abrupt ending came at 7:45. I felt like I had been dumped out of a basket at the end there and also slightly cheated, both out of getting more face time with the young people and because of the early ending.

Bringing this in for a landing

After it ended, I felt super calm. My body felt like jelly. All I wanted to do was keep laying where I was, so that’s what I did. I kept my headphones on and used my Sensate for almost an hour afterwards. I sort of had a feeling I’d want to have a peaceful evening after, so I pre-loaded my day and watched the nervous system-activating Dancing with the Stars in the late afternoon, ahead of my usual schedule by a few hours.

So, did it work? Was I healed?

What do you think? If it had worked, my very next post would have been titled:

My long COVID has been healed! Time to re-brand my Substack AGAIN

So no, it didn’t heal me. I did feel pretty rested and relaxed into the next day though. If anything, I think not watching TV at night and laying and meditating would give me that same feeling though.

But I have no regrets. It was a unique experience and I still admire those young people for wanting to become healers. The jury’s very much still out for me on whether I think Dr. Joe is legit or if he’s a pseudo-cult leader. If he’s not, then he’s not doing himself any favors with those cinematic recordings, that’s for sure.

Dr. Joe doesn’t know

Tell me what you think - have you heard of coherence healing? Would you try something like this or run for the hills? Meet me in the comments and let’s discuss 👇🏼

🥳 The After-party 🥳

Announcements, links to articles and studies, recommendations and shout-outs, and miscellany joy and/or tomfoolery.

🗞️ Noted health journalists Betsy Ladyzhets and Miles Griffis (a long hauler himself) are joining forces to start a new publication: The Sick Times, which will exclusively cover long COVID and related infection-associated chronic conditions such as myalgic encephalomyelitis, dysautonomia, mast cell activation syndrome, and more. Click on each of their names to read a letter from each of them about this exciting new venture.

🤓 MEpedia, a rich and accessible source of information related to ME/CFS and related conditions, has recently been updated and expanded - do check it out. According to their home page, MEpedia's 3,372 articles have been viewed 37,253,231 times. WOW!

🧠 Interested in brain retraining for these chronic illnesses? Check out these two videos I’ve come across in my travels: one is a retraining hack, the other a soothing retraining meditation.

🪄 A couple of bits of magic I came across on Substack this week (unrelated to chronic illness, though parallels are there to be drawn if you can see them):

The Seeds of Magic

Hearthside

👨🏽‍🎤 And here’s one from Substack this is related to long COVID, and also involves Harry Styles.

The chicest way to get Long Covid

📚 If you missed this week’s book launch for The Long COVID Reader, no worries! You can join us for another Zoom event this coming week, before cooking and travel get in the way ahead of Thanksgiving here in the U.S.: Tuesday, November 21: Green Apple book launch at 6pm PST/9pm EST. Readings and conversations with editor and contributor Mary Ladd, and contributors Andrew David King, Pato Hebert, and Nikki Wallace. Register here.

🤦🏽‍♂️ Buffoons of the week: Oh dear lord, there were SO MANY. The con artist sometimes known as George Santos (fun piece here by

Jay Kuo

. Purveyor of fragile and toxic masculinity (and U.S. fucking Senator) Markwayne Mullins (a spot-on, hilarious piece by

Jeff Tiedrich

). Check out this clip Tiedrich posted.

🏆 Winner of the week: U.S. Senator and apparent Senate disciplinarian Bernie Sanders, putting Senator Markwayne Manchild in his place (see video clip above).

🐈‍⬛ 💩 And finally, it’s this week’s Cat Dump. The these-savages-are-both-on-diets edition.

(Birdie has gone from 6lbs to over 9lbs in the year we’ve had her. Fritzy is just a big boi, but getting bigger during laze-in-front-of-the-fireplace-all-day season).

1. "How much is that Birdie in the window?", 2. Fritzy and his jowls, 3. The two of them together (referred to by me as "the shorthairs")

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**Disclaimer: I am (clearly) not a licensed medical professional. You should not rely on any information contained in this newsletter in making medical, health-related or other decisions. Please consult a doctor or other health professional.