Coming out of hibernation

The Tonic is a lighthearted newsletter for folks interested in learning about long COVID, ME/CFS, and other health conditions. Come for the info; stay for the whimsy. Or vice versa.

If you are new here and curious about my long COVID origin story, check out my Health Rising blog post, My Long COVID Disability Journey. If you are interested in the tools that have been helping me in my long COVID recovery, please check out the Recovery Tools series tab on my Substack site. (Please start with part one, as it includes an important disclaimer about how highly individualized recovery tools can be with a heterogenous illness like long COVID).

The Tonic will always be free to read - Amy is so happy you’re here! However, if you are valuing the experience and are able, please consider a show of support by upgrading to a paid subscription. If that’s too much to bite off at the moment, you can also make a one-time contribution through Buy Me a Coffee. Any help is appreciated! Anyone who does gets a 📢 in an upcoming post. Thank you!

Giddy up!

Well folks, after a much-needed break to finish up my coaching program and take a breather, I’m back in the saddle (albeit sort of pathetically, since I felt like Miss Piggy here trying to remember how to set up a draft of a new post after only being gone for three months).

A lot has happened in these few months that I want to tell my dearest gentle readers all about. I also want to tell you about some changes coming around these here parts (the saddle thing may have gone to my head).

But first, let me say a warm welcome to all my new subscribers. I thought it was just Substack lore that when you pause or stop your ‘stack, the new subs just keep rolling in, but I’m here to tell you it’s true. Well, these days, they more like slow-trickle in (the glory days for The Tonic were 2023-24, when I’d average something like 100 new subs a month).

Nonetheless, there are 64 more of you here now than there were in January, and that’s nothing to sneeze at. I’m only sorry you jumped on the train right before the long delay. Given my recent travel experience in England, you now know how I felt. If trains were delayed and canceled in NY as much as they were in England, there’d be rioting in the streets!

I digress (fair warning for the newbies: digression is a common occurrence around here). At the risk of making this unnecessarily long (also a common occurrence), here’s a bulleted recap of what’s gone on:

• I paused The Tonic and focused on the final few months of studies and practicing for my two-year therapeutic coaching training program.

• I got to read a few books for fun! After two years of studying, who knew? Two I particularly enjoyed were The Piano Tuner by Daniel Mason and Leverage, the debut banger of a novel by Amran Gowani. Check out what Amran is up to here on Substack and go get his book. I devoured it, which only happens with the frequency of Halley’s comet, so you know that means it was great.

• With a few lessons and more playing time, I leveled up in pickleball. I can finally hang with the 75-year-olds (even a few 80+) who have been routinely kicking my 50-year-old ass. I wish I was kidding.

  

• I grew my therapy caseload and started making some money again, after 3.5 years of living on disability benefits alone. I now work for three different therapy practices in varying part-time capacities while I work toward the three years of supervised hours I need to get my clinical social work license.

• I said goodbye to my friends at CFS Recovery, which I had joined in April 2025 at about 75% recovered. By September, I was in the Beyond Recovery portion of their program, where I spent about six months before feeling ready to launch back out into the world fully on my own. For more info on how this program helped me get to near-fully recovered, check out this post.

• I caught up on latest seasons of shows I enjoy, including Bridgerton, Shrinking, Paradise, and Virgin River. It was a veritable deluge, and the current drought is bringing me down a bit. Currently taking recommendations! (I tried Reggie Dinkins but could not get into it. Just started Bad Mistakes and enjoying it. Who doesn’t love Dan Levy?!).

• I traveled to England! For the first time, and all by myself (I had never traveled abroad alone and never without my Baldy, so I was having a lot of anxiety in the weeks leading up to the trip. Despite my meltdown in the car on the way to the airport, I got through it all and lived to tell). I went for the final assessment week of my coaching program. I spent the week traveling and rooming with a dear friend from the program and made so many other heart connections with my fellow classmates during our time of sharing our vulnerabilities and working through them. And…I passed the assessment week! Got home and submitted all my final paperwork and I am now officially a certified therapeutic coach.

Post-travel adjustment period

I expected to be jet-lagged for a few days when I got home, and I planned a lighter work and life schedule in the days following with this in mind.

What I didn’t expect was to have my main long COVID symptoms return (though maybe I should have?). The day after I returned, even after a good night’s sleep, I was super fatigued, like that old walking through molasses feeling that comes with LC or ME/CFS. Then the neuropathy in my arms and neck returned with a vengeance, followed by broken brain (I find that calling it brain fog doesn’t do it justice - who’s with me on that?).

This was all pretty upsetting to me, given I hadn’t experienced these symptoms in this way for probably 9+ months. My brain did what our brains do: it got frustrated, then it panicked and got out the massive searchlight to try to determine why this was happening (I know, I know…you’re like, “duh, Amy. You just got back from this big trip overseas, physically exhausting to anyone walking among us, where you were also on the hot seat and trying to pass your course. OF COURSE you came back to symptoms!”).

That’s fair I suppose, though I felt physically great the whole time I was there and wasn’t expecting to feel worse. This recovery thing is a trip because in some ways, your brain begins to fall back into old patterns of thinking around your wellness, and it takes certain things for granted; like, if I feel well now, of course I’ll feel well tomorrow.

So this AP (adjustment period, which is what CFS Recovery calls ‘flare ups’ or ‘crashes’) took me by surprise and the searchlight came out. And what it discovered was that there were likely a few contributing factors to this AP, starting with excessive smoke inhalation the night before I left England, when we gathered around a fire pit in this largely enclosed structure that felt very much like a death trap. I am super sensitive to smoke, and it immediately sent me into an inward panic. I wrapped my scarf around my mouth and folks asked me if I was okay (why they all seemed unbothered by the large amounts of smoke, I couldn’t figure out). I later learned that most of my classmates didn’t sleep well and felt unwell the next day, though I’m not sure they made the connection.

Then the following day, my travel buddy and I were due to catch two trains back to London, which turned into four trains and a three-hour trip wound up taking six hours. Trains were flat out canceled or diverted, and everything was a mess. I had a huge 50lb suitcase with me which made navigating the tight, crowded trains all the more stressful. Thank goodness I didn’t schedule my flight until the next day, because I never would have made it in time.

Speaking of my flight, that also involved delays and stress, starting with the experience of Heathrow International Airport, where they don’t believe in telling you your gate number until an hour before boarding, forcing you to cram into what is essentially a glorified shopping mall area with some seating.

So, all told, while the trip was amazing in so many ways, it ended on several rough notes for me, and I do believe those are the reasons why I was experiencing symptoms.

It took me about two weeks to get close to my previous baseline, with the first five days or so of symptoms being the strongest. I got there by reminding myself of the tools I already have - namely, the ability to respond well to the symptoms by dialing down:

• the fear of them and what they mean

• the analysis around why it happened (which comes with a smattering of self-blame for having ‘allowed’ it to happen, even though I know cognitively it wasn’t my fault), and

• the attention I was paying to them.

I pulled back on physical and cognitive activity, but otherwise, I gently returned my energy back toward living life. And eventually the fears quieted down and so did the symptoms.

(One thing to note: I remember once in CFS Recovery something coach Junior said - that if you are far along in recovery and lay down to rest and don’t feel better afterwards, rest wasn’t what you needed. This was happening to me within the first several days of returned symptoms; I would lay down for an hour or two and get up more fatigued and super irritable. So when I felt like I needed a break, I started doing meditations while sitting up and felt much better afterwards than I had when I laid down to rest).

I tell you about all this because it is easy to think that The Tonic has turned into a recovery newsletter. In some ways I guess it has, and I’ve appreciated that many of you have celebrated that with me. But I will always keep things real with you, and the reality is, I am not 100% recovered yet. I am not sure if or when I will be.

While I don’t tell people I have long COVID anymore (a personal choice; I wouldn’t judge someone who still occasionally had symptoms from still owning the label), I don’t shy away from telling them that I had it for five years. Because I do think I still generally fatigue more easily than those who have never had it, and I do still have to pace my activity and my exposure to stimuli in order to protect my energy. I’ve got a separate post I’m planning on how tricky it is to navigate appearing healthy but having those who never knew you were sick question why you tire more easily than someone your age ‘should’ - stay tuned for that.

What’s up next

It’s been a busy few months and I’m grateful to have had the break here. But now I’m ready to tell you what’s to come.

First, some changes around here.

Many of you interpreted my last post about the hiatus as a swan song (I got some truly lovely messages about what The Tonic has meant to folks - I was so touched). And that’s okay because as I stated, there was a chance it might have been. As I’ve gotten busier with work and have still been figuring out how to manage my energy levels, it often feels like it would be easier to let The Tonic ride into the sunset. But the trip and the subsequent symptoms tell me I have more to say and contribute here. Even prior to the trip, there were observations I’ve been making about what it means to be out there living life in the wake of a five-year illness that I really want to keep exploring and sharing with you.

So…The Tonic lives to see another day.

Perfect meme for the occasion, because while we ride, we will be riding s-l-o-w-l-y. Our new cadence here will be whenever we have the time/energy and something worthwhile to say.

This is a mutual benefit because it honors my own need for space and rest while also respecting your time (you’ve got a lot of good reading to do, I know). As a heads up, I will be turning paid subscriptions back on today. If any of you need to end your paying status, please feel free to do so with no hard feelings from me.

Another change coming here: many, many fewer links.

Many of you love the links, I know. I enjoy a good link roundup as much as the next guy. But one thing this hiatus taught me was how nice it was to have a break from all the curating (which wasn’t just a daily activity, it was a multiple times a day activity). I will still include select links/videos/resources, but greatly pared down, and without multiple subheadings. While this feels like the right decision for me right now, I’m open to feedback as we go - want more links than I’m giving? Want specific link content? Miss the subheadings? Feel free to let me know.

Lastly

Over these years, some of you have reached out to me asking if you can talk through your illness or recovery with me, and a few of you have offered to pay me for my time. Within the next few months, I will be starting to include info in each post about how you can work with me in my capacity as a therapeutic coach.

My practice will be open to clients from anywhere in the world and initially will focus on supporting folks experiencing health challenges, including though not limited to long COVID, ME/CFS, chronic Lyme, etc. The therapeutic coaching model was designed by Alex Howard, who himself recovered from ME/CFS, and thus provides many of the tools to help people on these journeys. In addition, by the end of May, I will also be certified in pain reprocessing therapy, which is a neuroplastic model that involves helping people shift the chronic pain/symptom signals that their brains might be sending in response to perceived threat or danger. These tools can also be quite helpful in calming things down, finding a state of nervous system regulation, and helping the body return to homeostasis, where healing can occur.

What therapeutic coaching isn’t: it is not long-term therapy (I do that work as well, licensed in a few states in the U.S., and am happy to help someone decide which model is right for them). And the goal will never be to ‘cure’ anyone. Rather, it is an opportunity to process the parts of the journey that one might be struggling with, whether it is the grief over what’s been lost through having the illness, the acceptance of what is right now, the fears and beliefs around illness or recovery, and more. It can also be an opportunity to pick my brain about how I managed to slowly shift my own fears and beliefs in ways that ultimately helped get me where I am.

Within a few months, I will include a link here to a website with more info on the services - including individual session rates, package discounts, and sliding scale fees for those in need - and how to get in touch with me. In the meantime, anyone interested in these services now can send me a DM and we can discuss your needs and how I might be able to help.

⚖️ Long COVID diagnostic equity: a study examining sex, race and ethnicity, and insurance type. A notable, though not surprising quote: “Black, Hispanic and Medicaid patients are less likely to be diagnosed with Long COVID as compared to white patients and those with private insurance.”

🦠 COVID’s long-term harm: Trump policies at odds with emerging understanding (again, no surprise).

👴🏼 Healthy aging: here are what doctors say are the nine supplements that support it. I’m taking many of these, but just can’t get myself to stick with creatine.

🫸🏽 How to stop symptoms from coming back: a video by Dan Buglio of Pain Free You.

🐦‍⬛ Achoo! Rescued raven imitates human sneeze, says his name. Watch the video all the way through.

🫣 Nothing to see here, folks: live possum found hiding in stuffed animal section of airport gift shop.

🐈‍⬛ 💩 And finally, it’s this week’s Cat Dump. Operation Domesticate Ripley update! She started letting Baldy pet her. Still won’t let me do it, but she’s warming up to me. Here’s some footage. Hopefully we can get her inside by next winter.

And a few more pics from our time on hiatus.

clockwise from top left: Birdie, Fritzy, Ripley, and Nova

Like anything you saw here? 👇🏽

**Disclaimer: Although I AM licensed to drive and to practice social work, I am NOT a licensed medical professional. You should not rely on any information contained in this newsletter in making medical, health-related or other decisions. Please consult a doctor or other health professional.